I can only be me...

I've been thinking about this post for the past hours now. Thinking about how I would write and what I would say. If I should be "too" honest , should I hold back, should I even write this at all. Well, I decided to be as honest as I can...

This past week I hung out with my girls for girl's night and then my husband and I took a trip to Seattle, WA to visit our friends Dave and Lizzy. It was Dave's 30th birthday and we decided to fly out an surprise him. It was so great! Such a good time ( we are actually still here as I write this ) During this time I really wanted to just relax and be myself. You know what I mean? Just be me, not worrying about anyone and what they thought of me. Something I have been striving to do...

Then I heard myself talking. Heard myself interacting and even though there was really nothing wrong I just found myself not being 100 percent me, or they way I want to be! The way I should be. I found myself conceding to certain things and people. In one moment my husband even made a comment towards me that I have not been able to get out of my head since. I know he didn't mean to be mean or maybe he didn't even know it struck me. He said " you always give in " I gave him a look and he said " Well it's true."

wow. At first I felt bad, I felt like I had to apologize. I was upset. ( okay maybe I kind of still am) But why did I feel that way? Then I really thought about it. Why do I give in, or why do I feel bad when someone else does something or says something they shouldn't? Even within my own circle. Yea, I sometimes let people make me feel bad or "stupid." THAT IS NOT OKAY! I participate in conversation's or activities that may not be what I want to or should do. Do I need to be liked and accepted that badly?  Even by people I've known for a while. The last day I've been reflecting. Some people may have thought something was wrong with me, but I was just thinking. Trying to make sense of it all, of myself. Why do I try so hard? Why don't I just do what I feel and really just find myself.

There are some good things that I do love. I tend to compliment, alot. I think it's okay! I will not feel bad anymore for that. BUT I will not put myself down as I lift someone else up. I will work on that

This is my goal and one day I will be totally and completely me. Free to say and do what I want and no more feeling bad to be me. No matter who is around. Feeling worthy enough to be me.

Lizzy told me about a book called: " The Call." A book that helps your discover your purpose in life and yourself. Can't wait to read it!

P.S. Don't worry I am having a great time, I just needed a few minutes to myself =)

2 comments

  1. Hey girl, you know what? It's okay to be like that sometimes. I am so guilty of it as well! Every day is a struggle. Sometimes I feel like I am just living a lie. Like I don't know who I am and I won't take my mask off. I hate it. It is something I have to work on everyday. The good thing is that you realize it, you are acknowledging it, and you are striving to fix it. Spend sometime really dissecting yourself. You are still at a place in life where finding your identity is hard. If you ever need to talk I'm always around - well, I haven't been lately. But e-mail me if you need to! I love to give/receive advice. Take care :)

    [ keep calm & blog on ] xo Katy

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  2. Thank you Katy!! Thank you for your encouragement. It's good to meet people who are genuine :)

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